Clinics

If you are sexually active, it's worth getting yourself checked out for STIs every so often.

GUM (Genito-Urinary Medicine) clinics and Sexual Health clinics are free and completely confidential: they are not allowed pass on information to anyone, including your GP. You don't even have to give your real name!

In order to keep everything confidential, go directly to the clinic, rather than through your GP (who is required to keep records).

A trip to Clinic 1A

Here is a personal account of a visit to the clinic.

There are lots of horror stories about Clinic 1a. I don't know how they get started - Perhaps in the feverishly hypochondriac mind of the typical Cambridge student who thinks too much; in the sordid ignorance of an anonymous internet chat room; or purposefully, by a university society whose sole aim is to spread sexual diseases so as to kill off those getting more than themselves.

Whatever their origin, I am here to dispel those myths by spreading a little truth around, for that will set you free. In the beginning was the phone number: 01223 217 774, and the phone number was the number you dialled in order to make an appointment. The people on the other end of the line are very nice, and it is all confidential - You don't even have to give them your real name or address, and all the files are completely confidential and kept within the department, so can never be linked to your personal NHS medical history that your GP has.

When you've made an appointment, don't forget to get on down to Addenbrooke's for all kinds of savings on chlamydia, syphilis and a whole range of other STIs that can be easily treated if diagnosed! It's only a fun-filled bus ride away, and when you get there it is so easy to find, though you do have to go past the shop, so don't give in to temptation and buy any chocolates! There are separate waiting rooms for men and women, just in case you are shy.

Having filled out a few forms (which are very simple and won't require any detailed information like National Health number, National Insurance number or credit card number), you will see a consultant, who will ask you why you've come to the Clinic, and what your sexual history is. Don't be embarrassed about telling them this: They have interviewed so many people, and are really non-judgemental, and will not bat an eye-lid. They just want to know how the details of what kind of sex you have had with people over what period of time, so as to know what to test you for.

If you have led quite a fun life (in the Biblical sense of the word), or probably even if you haven't, they'll do the following tests on you (now for the science part): Throat swab (they stick a little cotton-bud type thing into the back of your mouth, not a problem even for those who haven't learnt to control their gag-reflex); anal swab (which is not painful at all, but I suppose does seem kind of gross); penile swab (yes, they put a swab up your urethra, not very far, stop wincing, it's not that bad!); and some blood tests. I don't really like blood tests, but even I was fine, as the nurses are very understanding and are used to dealing with all sorts of patients. For that reason, don't be embarrassed about them having to see your body and stick it with things - They have seen it all and aren't going to raise any eyebrows or comments like "Gosh, you have a really huge mole on your left buttock".

After these tests (the results for some of which are same day; others, e.g. those for Syphilis and HIV, have to be rung up for later) you have to do the best test of all, which is the urine test! It's hilarious. They tell you not to go to the toilet for about 6 hours before the appointment, but I'd say don't go for about 6 days! You are left in the toilet with two huge jugs, probably stolen from Formal somewhere, and you're supposed to fill them! Actually, I managed it OK, but it still looks quite daunting.

Please take a seat in the waiting room and you'll be called to get your one-day results. After these have been given to you and explained by the consultant, you are free to leave! Until next time, that is?